How to escape your own brain

That's the how-to manual I need. My brain, which feels much more like tapioca pudding than a head of cauliflower these days, needs to rest.

I can't even begin to discuss my confusion on how the brain (my brain, in particular) works.

Lately, the memory center of my brain has been malfunctioning. For example, events that occurred in the past that I would never imagine forgetting, I've forgotten. And random memories that I've attempted to blockade for years are popping into my mental playground uninvited.

I know any doctor or good friend will tell you it's not good to repress memories, no matter how much you don't want to be reminded of certain events. I, on the other hand, have encouraged the repression of painful memories for as long as I can remember. But now, that mentality is chasing me down, biting me on the ass, and the memories are pushing through, no matter what I do to avoid them.

I suppose since I haven't been working, my mind has had more of an opportunity to wander, and that could be a viable explanation for this new phenomena. Besides, in recent years, I've pushed past my adversities, pretending to be much stronger than I really am, and failed to confront certain issues that are now haunting me.

I'm ready to leave my past miseries at the door, but they don't seem to be ready to let me go. And it's consuming. I've done such a good job of expelling negativity from my life in the past year, and I can't allow these new, old reminders bring me down.

I'm so thankful for the wonders in my life now. I need to free up that space upstairs for millions of happy memories to come.

I gave up the therapy thing a long time ago; it doesn't work. I hate talking to anyone about my problems because, well, I'd like to look a lot stronger than I really am. So, I'll be doing a lot of private journaling - and then burning - it seems. One way or another, I'll set these demons free.